Selfie: The Art of Looking Ridiculous
I love my iPhone. I love the pictures it can take and I love selfies. I love how they add a little humor to an otherwise arbitrary moment in our lives, simply because we have taken a photo of ourselves. Can you imagine our parents trying to take selfies back in the eighties with a Polaroid camera? What I don’t love, is the shameless, attention seeking, half-naked selfie that tells the world, you are so special you’re going to take a picture of yourself, (half naked) because hey, you’re so special you don’t need anyone else to take your picture for you. But let’s be honest, you are taking a picture of yourself in the first place (with no clothes on) because no true friend would take a picture for you posing like the girl in the Guess ads. Selfies are fun and spontaneous and if the citizens of the social media world would just stick to that, we could all be spared pictures of Kim Kardashian’s giant ass popping up on our laptops or the D-List celebutante trying to showcase her supermodel body to the world in the hopes she’ll start trending on Twitter.
I really, really love selfies and I’ve been involved in dozens of them. Every time I do something slightly questionable with my friends (usually involving vodka), I have to admit, a selfie usually follows. But never have I posed in anything short of a full wardrobe or with a facial expression that doesn’t naturally occur on a human. Social media and the selfie have taken the art of looking ridiculous to a whole new level. How many iron pumping, gym selfies do we need to see? I mean, really. Keep them spontaneous. Keep them fun. KEEP. YOUR. CLOTHES. ON.
How awesome was Ellen Degeneres’ record setting Oscar selfie with a slew of A-List stars? Even President Obama is akin to posting a selfie. It’s fun taking a picture of yourself (with your clothes on) or with your friends just being silly but turning your selfie into your come-hither, super sexy face just seems a bit, ‘Mirror, mirror on the wall’, to me. Please stop. For the good of mankind.
And if there is one thing that must be addressed in the world of selfie etiquette it is this… girls of the world, PLEASE. STOP. DOING. DUCKFACE. I’m not sure how this rabid phenomenon ever came about – I suspect it had something to do with a Kardashian – but it’s oh so unattractive and to say the least, flat out bizarre. Puckering up your lips to try and create the illusion of bee stung proportions just makes you look like you’re TRYING to make your lips look like bee stung proportions. No one’s buying it. Just like no one’s buying your Wonder Bra under your T-shirt.
To plead my case, here is a list of duckface selfies we should all try really, really hard to banish so that we can all go back to making selfies fun again.
Demure Duckface – Well, I guess this is the point of duckface in general. Trying to hollow in those cheekbones and puff up your smacker to entice the male species. Unless you’ve had a fresh hit of collagen plumping those babies up, please go back to your normal smile and let your lips fall where they may.
Drunk & Sloppy Duckface – It always seems like a good idea when you’ve had way too many wobbly pops but why add insult to injury? You already look like shit, don’t frame it in a nice little filter for the rest of us to see.
Subtle Duckface – I’ve been known to try this one on occasion, just to see if I look *natural*. But really, no matter how subtle you go, the flared nostrils will always give you away. Trust me, you can’t do duckface without flaring your nostrils. It’s like trying to keep your eyes open when you sneeze. Impossible. Mary Kate Olsen has perfected this look over the years. The original subtle duckface girl.
I Think I’m Marilyn Monroe Duckface – Should only be done if you are actually Marilyn Monroe. Yes, the duckface goes back to the Golden Age of Hollywood. But she knew how to do it without even trying.
The Self-Obsessed, Vain Woman Duckface – Always accompanied with wardrobe of trashy lingerie or one-piece white bathing suit with giant ass. (Scroll back up to top for full effect).
J-Lo Duckface – Does she ever pose any other way? Eyes slightly squinting, of course to portray the inner sex goddess, lower lip slightly open, like you just wanna beckon that man walking by to, “Come ‘ere!”. Who is J-Lo always squinting at anyway?
And guys… one for you. Take note:
The Posing In Front Of The Mirror Shirtless At The Gym Selfie – Yeah, dudes, just don’t. Really, just don’t. We know you’re proud of your body and all your hard work, but this kind of selfie screams audition for Ron Jeremy.
So just remember, we all appreciate you taking the time to take a picture of yourself, but if you just can’t without exposing more of yourself than the world is willing to see, just know that we will all be embarrassed for you… And you will be embarrassed when you’re eighty.
The Original Selfie Guru