How To Have A Kardashian Wedding
Yes, you really can. Just follow these 15 easy steps to the best day of your life…
1. First and foremost, get yourself a reality TV show. You will need to attract leeches/followers first or else no one will actually care about your wedding. A webcam and daily postings on YouTube will suffice.
2. Start dating/stalking anyone from the hip hop, basketball or Millionaire Boys Club community. No exceptions.
3. Make sure the proposal is MAJOR so that SNL will do a skit about it. Then Instagram the hell out of it and give it the hashtags #mostfamousproposalever #likever
4. Have a baby FIRST before walking down the aisle. This is important. It will ensure that the community member of your choice (see above) will still give you millions after the marriage falls apart.
5. Do not even think about looking on Pinterest for ideas. Remember, your wedding cannot pull from anyone else’s ideas other than your over-priced wedding planner or detract from your own warped sense of budget.
6. Alert People, US, Hello, National Enquirer, The Tattler and any other *reputable* editorial that you will be getting married. Confuse them by telling them you’ll be getting married at Point A then actually get married at Point B. It will make you feel so important when they still manage to find you.
7. Botox and inject fillers into EVERYTHING that will not be covered by your dress. Once your lips are plumped up to the size of your ass, you’re good to go.
8. Don’t panic if your Kardashian-like wedding doesn’t go off without a hitch… or last. Just remind yourself, this is just a practice run. You have ninety days to null and void and can then move onto even bigger and better wedding #2. Or #3. Or #4.
9. Remember, third time’s a charm for everything in life. Even bums get it right after the third time in the slammer and realize enough is enough.
10. Don’t invite anyone from your B-List, even if your A-List guests can’t make it. If they can’t afford your registry at Neil Lane and Tiffany’s, they weren’t your friends to begin with.
11. Ensure your wedding dress is one of a kind and totally costs more than your neighbor’s house. The same goes for your Reception Dress, your Pre-Cocktail Dress, your After Party Dress and your Leaving The Wedding Dress.
12. Discourage guests from buying you wedding gifts from your own Kardashian store because let’s face it, even the Kardashians know it’s all shit.
13. Only serve alcohol that starts with a “C”. And no, I do not mean Coors Light, Captain Morgan, CC or Courvoisier. (Think, rhymes with pis-tāl)
14. Forget about a groom’s cake. This day is all about YOU and only YOU. I repeat, this day is all about YOU.
15. Do not provide party favors. Your guests should be told to consider themselves lucky just for being invited.
And that everyone, is how a fairy tale wedding is done. Good luck.