Hello friends and followers! This will be my last blog post on bagpipemolly.com. It was good while it lasted but time to move on to other things. My one year reign is up! So here is one last rant for you all to read while you’re looking for something to peruse as you waste time at work.
Fifty Shades of Grey: Whipped Into Reality
Pardon me, but I HATED this book and if you did too, read along. This one’s for you…
When the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy first came out, a friend of mine told me I’d loooooove it because it was, *mommy porn*. (Just Google that term and the first thing that comes up is, surprise, surprise, Fifty Shades of Grey). I was a bit confused. I’m not a mom and I’m not into porn… of that kind. I’ll admit, the only reason I read it was to see what all the hype was about. I had heard such mixed reviews all the way from my literary genius friends to my non-reader acquaintances who hadn’t read a book in twenty years and chose this of all books, to pick up. So I kept my expectations low, and needless to say, they were met. When I walked up to the counter at Chapters over two years ago to buy the book and asked the male cashier what he thought of it, he gave me two words, “Pure shite”. Poor guy was probably forced to read it for his job, knowing thousands of eager females would be coming into the store to ask about it. I should’ve stopped right there, put the book back on the shelf and sent myself over to Starbucks for a Venti Frappuccino instead. But no, I wasted $15 of my hard earned money on, Pure Shite. The first chapter in, I knew right away this was, Pure Shite. I mean, a plain looking, naïve girl working in a hardware store somehow manages to entice a millionaire playboy who is supposed to be the hottest guy in literary history? Seriously? Who out there actually bought that? Who are these gullible people?
I also soon discovered that the writing was, Pure Shite. And for future reference EL James, no woman in history, I’m sure, ever said, “Oh my!” after an orgasm. The fact that you beat us over the head with it every time little Hardware Annie and Mr. Grey brought out the whips and chains just made me cringe. We scream, we gasp, we moan and occasionally cause a flesh wound in the throws of passion, but we do not say, “Oh my!”. Ever. Unless of course you’re Dick Enberg. Oh and can we talk about the main character’s name – Anastasia Steele? Well at least you got one thing right in the mommy porn genre, a ridiculous name, also cringe worthy.
What further shocked me was finding out a few of my male friends were also reading it. Just to, “see what all the hype was about” and to see if they could, “learn something”. You can guarantee the fellas weren’t reading this book in public on the subway or on the treadmill at the gym. Did they learn anything from this book? Nope. And if they think they did, someone better hit them upside the head with a dose of reality and set them all straight. Cinderella, Snow White and even that story about the little mermaid turning into a human and marrying a prince are far more believable than what went on in Fifty Shades of Grey. Believe me, turning a pumpkin into a gold coach is far more plausible than meeting a millionaire ass smacker, bemused by your job at the hardware store.
It’s hard to stomach that EL James is laughing all the way to the bank on this. We were all duped into plopping down our cash for this trash when we all could’ve watched a few re-enactments on youporn for free. Luckily, one book was enough for me, and I will definitely NOT be reading the next two in the trilogy nor going to the movie. Yes, I know thousands of women will be flocking to the cinema, hoping Christian Grey will leap off the pages and into their underpants with his mesmerizing arsenal of BDSM but I certainly won’t be. Not even my slight curiosity can lead me to the trough on this one. And what’s worse, we’ll have to sit through the ever revolving publicity wheel for two more of these things. Oh and here’s the kicker, release date for the movie… Valentine’s Day 2015. Well, I’m thinking next year, the chocolates and bouquets just aren’t gonna cut it.
To all the ladies (and spattering of gents) that feel the same way as I do about this over hyped book and movie, rest assured, like a bad decision, this too shall pass.
And that’s it! It’s been fun bagpipemolly.com… Hangin’ up my end now.